Have you ever felt as if everything was completely wrong and completely right at the same time? That was me, last night. Knowing that every move that we made was irreprehensible but completely at a loss to change a thing. Should I be crucified for that?
Look, it's not as if I don't know better, but sometimes there's no other way to get out of a situation. Sometimes you just have to go with what feels right. Can't what feels right be okay; for fucking once, just once??? I know that I've made little, teeny mistakes before, but I'm not sure that this is one of those times.
And fuck you, I know we were drinking, but neither of us were drunk when the thought took us and we decided to betray everyone around us. We were broken and beaten and two people that so needed to be with someone else. And we were the closest people in the tri-state area. Sometimes, that's all it might take.
So there we were, all alone, and you had already told me that it was as good as over. Those were almost the words that you used, too. You told me you still loved me, but I could hear what your words were really saying when you said them. You were telling me to move on. And so I did. We both did. You gave us no fucking choice.
You had her and he had her and the four of you could pretty much live happily ever after. How screwed is that? It's pathetic that I honestly believed it could ever be the two of us living that fantasy white picket fence crap, but no. Please. I really should have known better. Really.
So, again, there we were, alone together like we had been for so long. Nothing had changed except each of our hearts. She was crying over him and me over you. And you fucked me, you do realize that, right? Right? No wonder we took the only solace we could find in each other.
I'm trying to explain myself, both of us, but it's so impossible to find the correct words to try to make any sense out of all of this. What I can say is that it's not your fault. There is no fault, although I know that you would like to think that there should be, there really just isn't. It happened, and in the end, I'm glad that it did.
It's taken this to make me realize that this might have always been what I wanted. I always thought that I was jealous of Liz and Max's relationship, that I wanted something like what they had for myself, for you and I. Well, maybe what I really wanted was what Max had and not what Liz had. Maybe the whole time what I wanted was just Liz.
When her arms were around me and we were crying into each other's hair, I could feel my heart lifting in my chest, the steady pounding of hers guiding mine. They began to beat together in synch, like one heartbeat; growing in volume and wrapping around each other. Her fingers flattened the back of my hair and I stopped wishing that they were yours. That was the moment when I realized what was in my heart.
You always kissed me first. Everyone always kissed me first. This time, I took the reins and I kissed her. I broke out of her hold and looked into her reddened eyes and wanted to kiss the salt from her stained cheeks, the minute my lips lit on hers I knew it was all right. We were taken up by the moment of it, our soft lips touching each other's, tongues hesitatingly entering each other's mouths; I wasn't surprised when she pulled away and looked back at me with embarrassed eyes.
I was surprised when she came back to me for a second go.
Liz tastes very different than you, I'm sure you never thought about anything like that. I licked at her lips and tasted that subtle lipstick that she uses, the kind that always makes her lips look like she's not wearing anything at all but that she's spent hours with another pair attached to them, and I could taste the tears on them too. I'm just not sure whose tears they were. They could have been mine.
I'm not saying that I don't still love you. Loving you came so abruptly that I'm not sure I will ever not feel it deep in the pit of my chest, but I've always loved her. We've been together for as long as I can remember. She came before you and she'll always be here. Forever. You could never promise that to me.
We stopped crying. I made us stop crying. When was the last time you stopped my tears? Brought them on, sure, but never stopped them, not really. Our faces dried and we were in each other's arms; music from the Crashdown pulsing up to her rooftop, the hot, spring air sweeping around us, we might have thought that it was paradise if it wasn't so real.
There was never any force or rush, once our lips found each other's the second time, they didn't separate. Her back was fast against the chaise and my hands searched her face, my hands searched her soul. Neither of us were thinking anymore, the momentary hesitation was just that. Momentary. Beyond that quick second, there was only us and knowing what finally felt right and good. I didn't think of you. She didn't think of him. We thought about each other and how happy both of us deserve to be.
We do deserve that, right?
Do you want to know what it was like to slowly remove the tank top from her body and slip her bra from her shoulders, to touch the breasts that I've seen bare a million times? It was like seeing them for the first time, breasts I totally recognized, nipples peaked when the air wasn't chilled. I ran my finger softly around the curve of them both and across the valley between them. I bent my head towards them and put one in my mouth.
My tongue licked at her hard nipples and her fingers tangled in my hair, I could hear the soft gust of air from her lungs escape as I touched them with my teeth, razing the skin and biting down gently. Her hands went under my shirt too, probably more trepidatiously than mine, but I could feel them searching out my own heated skin, eager to mirror my movements. I pulled my own tank over my head; braless, I sat before her and allowed her to take me in.
No one had ever made me feel so beautiful. Not even you.
When her lips clamped around my stiffened breast, my back arched up to her mouth instinctively. I wanted to touch her, to feel inside of her and make her feel everything that I was feeling. Our groping hands and mouths took over, we moved on preternatural passion alone.
She left a mark on my chest, just above my left breast and the size of a half-dollar, I'm touching it now and remembering the feeling of her mouth suckling that spot, I can feel my heart pound again and I want to be with her immediately. Soon we'll be together again.
Her knee was pressed against me, I didn't move over it, I didn't stroke myself against it, but just the pressure sent me reeling. I felt the moisture rise in that familiar place, dampening my underwear, my shorts chafing against my tender thighs. I think she felt it too, her fingers sought out the sensitive flesh and kneaded there; innocent fingers that didn't investigate further. Fingers afraid to venture too deep.
Liz has the softest hair. When we were children she used to let me braid it for her, I would drag the bristles of her brush through it and tickle her back, now I scratched those same places with my fingernails and recognized the soft giggle that my motions brought. Her nipples rose tighter, a flush across her chest. We pressed our breasts together, nipples stroking each other's, bodies gyrating together. Her knee between my legs, my god.
My hands are not as patient as hers. They moved fleetingly up her legs and under her skirt, fingers tracing the edge of her cotton panties as she brought herself closer to me, to my nomadic fingers. She was as wet as I was, I found out. And when I knew that, the fire overtook me and I pushed the fabric aside, sliding my fingers over her soft lips and twisting in her soft pubic hair, into her slick walls. Her moan was approval enough.
It was hotter in there, and wet and all encompassing. She stretched her legs out for me, raising her butt off the lounge chair and allowing me deeper inside her. My thumb found her clit and raked over it gently, her head threw back and her mouth fell open. I covered it with my own.
Our eager bodies crushed together and my hand between us both. I didn't expect anything else, I didn't think of anything except bringing her crashing over, the crest slamming the shore. My fingers moving in and out of her, my thumb applying steady circles as the pounding in her chest got faster and faster and my hands sped up to meet it. Liz comes in bristling waves you can feel all around you.
She plunged at me when it was over. Her body still shaking, she pressed me back against the chair and we tipped over into a heap on the tar. Liz grabbed for the blanket and smoothed it over the coarse floor, rolling us both on top of it. Her mouth sought me out again and her hands scraped over the inside of my legs. Straddling them, she unbuttoned my shorts teasingly, coming down to kiss my swollen lips between buttons. When they were open, she slipped them down over my ankles and tossed them to the side. She left me naked beneath her.
I felt her wet sex over mine when she leaned down to kiss me again before sliding her own clothing off her body. We were both nude then and we glided our bodies over one another's, her hips spread my legs as her face bent to nip at my skin, the tingling between my legs threatened to kill me.
She moved further down, her nipple teasing my clit as she bit at the skin on my stomach. I couldn't help but to tip my pelvis towards it, to rub myself slowly against it's peaked firmness. Her finger came close to my mouth and I sucked at it, laving it with the warmth of my tongue, then it dove inside me.
I tried to stifle my gasp at feeling her break the emptiness inside me, it came as a long moan. I felt her breath hot on my cunt as her hand opened my lips and she touched just the tip of her tongue to my clit. The sky opened up above us and crackled and shuttered, she ran her tongue over the slicked folds and closed her lips over me. It might have been only seconds before my orgasm washed over me, but it felt like hours. And hours passed before my orgasm faded.
No one had ever made me come like that. You never made me come like that. Maybe that's how I know that we never had what we thought we might have.
Liz and I lay wrapped in each other's arms through the night, the soft Indian blanket swaddling us and our lips connected in tender kisses. That's how you both found us and that's why we're here now, and I don't think I should have to explain more.