Why We Fight
Cordy always remembered the dumbest shit. If there was even the remotest chance she'd ever need to remember a piece of information at some point in her life she forgot it as piece of information at some point her life she forgot it as soon as she heard it. It was the secret to her success. One time she had even forgot who she was. Before, when she was forgetful it meant failing tests or forgetting to put clothes on to fight vampires. Wait, no, that was Faith who forgot to do that. Right now she was having trouble remembering what day it was. She was almost positive it was Friday, but really it could have been Monday for all she knew. Cordy hated Mondays. Angel was dead. She remembered that and it was important. Wesley had killed him. Technically, Cordy thought, Wesley killed Angel twice. Once with his oh so brilliant Angelus gambit and once when he chopped off Angelus' head. She wondered if/when, when/if, if/if, someone ever rebuilt the Watchers Council someone would remember to include in Angelus' history the fact that his biggest weakness was people he fucked. He got so wrapped up in the in the psychological bullshit of sex and death he always left himself open. She knew that Angel and Wesley had a sex type thing going before Connor, before Fred, before her. In Sunnydale when Angel had went crazy, everyone thought Angelus was tormenting Buffy because Angel had loved her. Cordy knew it was because he had fucked her. Angel had loved her, and loved Connor but Angelus hardly cared about either of them. Wesley though, Wesley he had fucked and fucked up.
It was Monday she thought, suddenly to herself. Yesterday Connor had gone to church and church was always on Sundays. Afterward, he had come home and prayed for the soul of his father while Cordy wrapped her thighs around his head. If it was Monday she was supposed to be waiting for someone, but she couldn't remember who. There were people, friends, she wasn't allowed to talk to anymore. Connor had told her and sometimes when he got tired of telling her he hit her. But she still couldn't remember which friends or why. She thought maybe it was someone whose name started with an F. F felt safe. Not like A. A was for Angel, who made her confused. A was also for Angelus, and he was scary. F was for Fred, supposed to be dead. That's what Connor told her but Cordy knew different. Fred had gone to find someone. Someone she didn't know but Cordy did but didn't remember, didn't remember.
C had been a safe letter once, it stood for Cordelia who was strong and beautiful, chocolate, which she loved and Connor, the pretty little baby. Now it stood for Cordy, who was weak, and to be frank, getting a little fat. C was for Connor too, still pretty Connor, Connor who hurt her when he said he loved her. Cordy didn't like it when he hurt her and she tried really hard to get hard to get him to stop, but then he would just hurt her more. Sometimes, he would spank her bum and make it bleed, like when she used to bleed from between her legs.
Faith. That's who she was supposed to be waiting for. Fred had told her in their secret language that she was supposed "sit tight" and wait for Faith to come. She didn't want to wait for Faith. Faith scared her, Cordelia had said she loved her once and that had made Faith so mad she tried to kill all of Cordelia's friends. Then she went somewhere for a long time, and when she came back she tried to kill all of Cordelia's new friends. Cordelia wasn't afraid of Faith then. Faith had gone away again after that. Cordelia had thought about it a long time and decided something, something important, but as usual Cordy couldn't remember what the hell it was.
The first time Cordelia had seen Faith she had been struck by how young she was, forgetting that almost four years separated the Buffy she knew now from the Buffy who had first been called to be the Slayer. And she was hot. Not like Cordelia was hot or, loathe as she was to admit it, like Buffy was hot. Faith was hot in that Angelina Jolie, "I'm going to knock you down, fuck you stupid and walk away laughing" kind of hot.
It was getting dark and Cordy still hadn't seen any sign of Faith, Fred or Connor. She knew sometimes he would go out and not come back for a really long time. She didn't really know where he went but he always came back bloody and bruised and he would say "I love you" a lot while he was hurting her. Sometimes Cordy would get confused because she didn't want him there but she needed him, to protect her. He told her so. Fred was always gone for a long time. Cordy knew she would go towards dawn or maybe it was to Dawn's and see people Fred said she knew called Willow, who was a girl and Xander, who wasn't. Sometimes she remembered pieces, Xander had red hair and Willow was a good kisser, but what she remembered never seemed quite right. There was another girl too, a very sad girl with no family. Cordelia had met her once when she went to Buffy's funeral, the first one, but she didn't remember anything but how sad the girl was. Fred said she fought the monsters Connor fought, and that her friends did too but Fred never came home covered in blood and Fred never hurt her. Sometimes Cordy would forget who Fred was and she would pinch her, and then Cordy would remember. Fred is the girl who pinches. Fred told her that Connor couldn't know Fred came to see her because Connor hated Fred and would hurt Cordy more than ever if he found out. Fred had been the first one to notice she was getting fatter. Connor had teased her about getting fat but Fred had seemed quite worried and even a little angry. Cordy cried and apologized for making her mad. Fred said she wasn't mad at Cordy, she was mad at Connor. She had called him "that bastard" and "weasely eyed little fucker." She let Cordy put her head in her lap but gently pushed it away when she tried to kiss between her legs, like Connor always wanted her to do. Then Fred left and Connor came home later and made fun of her for being fat but Cordy didn't say anything. She thought being fat would make Connor less attracted to her but that night he fucked her all night. He made her kneel on her hands and knees on the floor and things had stuck in them and hurt her. He had hurt her too but Fred told her not to make him mad until she came back. Cordy said that she never meant to make him mad and that she loved him even though he hurt her. Fred cried a little at that and Cordy got scared because when Connor cried he usually ended up really hurting her.
Cordy didn't really talk to Faith for the first few weeks but she watched her with the Scoobies, followed her and Buffy some nights and learned about her. Cordelia saw that Faith had essentially the same braggadocio-filled act that Cordelia herself did. The only difference was her parents had been filthy, filthy rich Faith's hadn't. Cordelia saw Faith as an ally, a weapon she could use to tear at the bonds of friendship Buffy, Xander and that bitch Willow shared. Cordelia bought Faith clothes, took her out for movies, let her sleep in one of her parents many guest rooms. Faith would climb the trellis to her bedroom window after a night of patrolling with Buffy. Cordelia started keeping food in her room for the inevitable post-slaying binge nightmare. Cordelia never saw someone binge like Faith, not even Aurora, and you couldn't get anymore anorexic than that bitch.
Most nights Faith wanted to go swimming in the backyard pool, the cold pool, her dad called it because it had no heating system at all. Faith would always pester Cordelia to come with her, relenting on when Cordelia agreed. Sometimes she just wanted to shower and she would ask Cordelia to come with her but Cordelia always thought she was joking. One night, Faith had come home, looking, well, looking like a scared little girl, Cordelia thought. She hadn't really considered her actions, it just seemed natural when she leaned across the space between them and kissed Faith on the forehead. Suddenly Faith's lips were pushing against hers, her tongue demanding entrance to Cordelia's mouth with all the subtlety of a battering ram. Before Cordelia even knew what was happening Faith had knocked her down, fucked her brains out and walked away.
Cordy liked chocolate. Cordy also liked pickles. Dill pickles, the huge Polish one's, Cordy liked those. But what Cordy really loved was chocolate and pickles. Mashed up. Together. Cordy loved that. It was now officially dark. If Wesley had been here he probably could have told her the how far from officially being Tuesday it was too. But Wesley, like Angel, was long dead. She was still waiting for Fred to come and to bring Faith and then she thought they were going to go somewhere that wasn't here. Somewhere were Connor wasn't. Right now thinking of Faith was making her feel warm and sort of queasy. She hoped Fred would hurry up and she hoped that Faith wouldn't try to hurt her this time. The heat and the queasiness were making her sleepy and she was starting to think the pickles and chocolate hadn't been such a good idea because her stomach kept getting these little pangs in it. She decided to go to sleep.
After the first time Cordelia had been furious that Faith would just get up and leave like she did, like Cordelia was a common whore. She had cut off all communication with her, refused to buy her clothes or take her out for dinner. At first she thought this denial of her company and cash would have Faith rushing back to her in no time at all. Then one night she was leaving the Bronze when she heard a familiar moan. She peered into the dark of the alley and saw two human shapes. One, she was positive it was Faith, was pressed against another, hips rocking rhythmically against a girl that could have been Aurora but Cordelia wasn't sure. Either way she was-she wasn't sure what she was-mad and hurt and horny all at the same time. As she fled through Sunnydale to her house she was torn between crying, driving her car down the alley, hoping to hit at least Faith, and pulling over to the side of the road to shoving her hand down her pants. Cordelia was home in record time, upstairs and filling her tub with water before the alarm system had even finished processing her entry code. In her imagination water lapping against her nipples became Faith's tongue, the fingers desperately seeking purchase in her pussy became Faith's fingers. Cordelia imagined Faith was the kind of girl who owned a strap-on-a big one that would hurt oh so good-and liked to dress up in boys underwear. In her imagination it was her in that alleyway, skirt rucked up, panties ripped and clinging to one ankle, begging for it. In her imagination it was her hand Faith was riding, her mouth Faith was moaning into. Cordelia wanted to be fucked hard and she wanted Faith to be the one who did it.
When she woke up Cordy gasped. There was something cold and metal pushing against her belly. She lashed out blindly, knocking the arm that held it away and scrambling backwards 'til she was pressed up against the wall, unable to go further. Cordy didn't know why, but she knew she didn't want any unidentified metal objects anywhere near her bulging stomach. She looked for the first time around the room and saw the metal was in fact the end of a stethoscope, the other end of which was attached to Fred's head. Fred said something about making sure she was healthy. Cordy wasn't really listening, she was scanning the room for signs that Fred had brought someone with her. Who was it supposed to be? She couldn't remember.
"I brought Faith. She's downstairs keeping an eye out for Connor."
"Oh." Faith was here. She couldn't remember why but Cordy knew this to be a good thing. There was a pounding on the stairs and Cordy jumped as a head of unkempt brown hair stuck itself through the door.
"Fred, we should-Oh shit. Cordy." Cordy didn't know what the problem was, Faith must have known she was here, Fred would have told her. "Cordy, what the hell happened to you?" Faith looked like someone had hit her in the face with a board.
"I don't-I don't know what you're talking about?"
"Cordy, come on, look at you. Your hair's all scraggly, you look like you haven't washed in weeks, I can't imagine how long you've been without mositurizer."
"Faith, I hardly think this is what Cordy needs to hear right now. We should be hurrying anyway, Connor could come back any minute. You haven't seen him go to work on her, he can get her to do anything. If we want to get her out of here, if you want to protect her and the baby like you say you do, then we have to get going." Do anything? Leave? Protect her? What baby?
Faith had come back. She had made Cordelia beg her to, made her confess that she wanted to feel her pussy stretched out by Faith's hands. And she had. For the subsequent few months Faith had used Cordelia in a way that she had never imagined she would let anyone use her. Faith tied her up sometimes. Cordelia had been right about the strap-on, it was big and the pain, the pain wasn't always as good as she thought it would be. Faith had fucked Xander one night, and tried to kill him. She knew this because Faith had come right to her house and made her kneel between her legs, told her about Xander as she locked Cordelia's face into her pussy with the vice grip of her thighs. Told her about how he hadn't used a condom as she stuck her tongue as far up Faith's pussy as it would go. Cordelia knew she was being used, being treated like a whore. She knew that in the world of Faith the only other girl that mattered was Buffy, and that were the situation different Cordelia would be spending many nights alone in bed. Occasionally Faith would hit her if she said something that made her angry, which was easier than Cordelia had expected. She had wanted to tell Faith to go to hell, to take her twisted little games, and her strap-on, and her silk ropes and handcuffs and get the hell out of her life. But when she was alone in the dark, Faith drying on her face, or a little blood seeping from between her legs, after Faith had hurt her more by leaving than having what felt like an entire arm shoved up between her legs, Cordelia knew that Faith was really protecting her. Protecting her from being the one who was left behind, from being the one who could no longer bathe in the sun that was Buffy Summers. Cordelia hated Buffy, she was sure of that, but there was no denying that life seemed so much more worth living when you were risking it all the time for a bunch of people who would never know, in the company of a girl who risked hers every night for a bunch of people who would never care. Faith was protecting her from constantly remembering the fact that when it came down to it, Xander would rather have been with Willow than with her. Protected her from the fact that no one cool would want to take her to the prom and that Harmony was now the queen of high school and Cordelia wasn't even in the running anymore. Thinking about Faith all the time, thinking about how not to make her mad, how to get her to be gentle with her in bed, these were things that occupied hours of Cordelia's alone time, and by doing so they stopped her from thinking about the other stuff.
The first few nights they were on the road Cordelia had been terrified. Without the distraction of Connor she had nothing to keep her mind from reliving the final moments of Angel's life, when he had been gloating over Gunn's body to Wesley about how now Fred would never have him because he had let Gunn die. About how he had been too weak to stop Angelus from doing anything he pleased. About how Lilah had ended up screaming and begging for death to come. Not having Connor meant seeing Wesley suddenly jerk from the ropes that everyone thought were holding him to the chair, about seeing his hand flash up holding the great cleaver Angelus had dropped on the floor beside Wesley's chair when he grew tired of torturing them with it. It meant having to watch Wesley's arm bring it thudding into the side of Angel's neck, and seeing the fire poker that Angelus held force its way through Wesley's lung and out his back. It meant seeing, in her mind's eye, the two of them collapse in a mess of blood and ashes. It meant experiencing the sitting tied to a chair for hours with nothing to see but the carnage her friends had wrought all over again. Figuring out how to keep Connor from killing her had always consumed all of her time. It had occupied the parts of her brain where all her terrible memories were kept. It had occupied the part was aware of the fact that she was now quite pregnant with the child of a child-man she had never loved, who had hurt her so much, so many times. It had occupied the part of her mind that was aware of the fact that the state of the world had deteriorated in a very serious way since she had abandoned her place in the grand scheme of things. Cordy needed something to occupy those parts of her mind, she knew she did, otherwise the whole thing became too unbearable and she found herself constantly thinking of ways to end her pain. Cordy had needed Connor to keep her alive. Cordelia could only think of one thing to do to save herself and her baby.
"Faith, you remember when we were in high school?"