Secret Slasha – The Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel Slash Fanfiction Secret Santa Project
Secret Slasha – The Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel Slash Fanfiction Secret Santa Project

By Claire
For Dariclone

Look, I'm not a dyke, okay? I mean, hello, look at these shoes. Prada. Black. Stylish. Shoes that say, hey, come here, boys! And everyone knows lesbians have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever. I mean, I guess I could be into the whole sleeping-with-women thing, apart from the ick factor, of course, if it wasn't for all the plaid and short hair and lack of make-up -- what is with that, by the way? Like I always say, you should look good for yourself first and foremost and for the cute guys in your history class second. Just because you don't want to sleep with boys is no reason to let yourself go.

And, yeah, see, there's another thing right there. I do like sleeping with boys. I mean, I think I would. If I had. Which I haven't. But that's not about not liking boys and more about not liking the boys in Sunnydale. And I have really valid reasons for not liking the boys in Sunnydale, seeing as how half the time they turn out to be vampires or demons or other evil things, which if you ask me is really unfair because teenage boys are evil enough as it is without throwing the whole supernatural thing in there too.

And anyway they're, like, totally inexperienced and don't have a clue what they're doing, so it's not like anyone can reasonably expect me to be turned on with their clumsy fumbling around, right? (And that was totally meant for Xander. I mean, what do I have to do, buy him a manual or something?) And if they don't know what they're doing then there's no way I'm going to let them have sex with me, and just because Harmony's slept with half the guys doesn't mean that's something to aspire to. Some of us have loftier goals, you know. I'm going to go to college and eventually become an actress or maybe a fashion designer or something where I can use my creative talents and be appreciated for it. And I'm so getting out of Sunnydale as soon as I graduate. And that's when it's all going to begin, and I'm going to find the right guy.

Because everyone knows that girls think about other girls sometimes, it's perfectly normal. Okay, so maybe thinking about Willow isn't exactly normal, because it's Willow and she wears fluffy sweaters and has never once worn a pair of decent shoes, and if she wasn't so into Oz she'd totally be on the dyke list, and she's this major computer geek and has been Xander's best friend since forever which wins her a billion points in the geek column (and I know I'm not supposed to be mean about Xander since we're dating and all but it's like, I like him in spite of his geekiness, and I think I deserve some credit for being able to see past people's flaws, you know?) and she's so not attractive.

I mean, okay, if you're into unconventionally attractive people then I guess she counts but unconventionally attractive is really just another way of saying unattractive, right? And even though she has kinda nice hair, I suppose, and I bet it's like that even without deep conditioning which is sort of sickening, and even though she has a cute quirky smile and perfectly moisturised lips, it's not like I'd want to, you know, kiss those lips or anything. Even if I was into girls she wouldn't be my type.

Which I'm not, by the way. I am so not dyke material. That's just a fact. Like the way libraries are insanely boring and donuts go straight to your hips. I am not in the least bit interested in girls, especially not Willow, of all people, and saying someone's name when you're, you know, satisfying your own needs ('cause, hey, it's not like the guys in your life are ever going to be able to), doesn't mean anything. Got that? Good.