The Eighth Greatest Story Ever Told
Our heart-warming tale of seasonal good cheer opens on a festive scene of a thick blanket of snow gently falling on the grounds of an average looking high school in Southern California. A little odd given the decidely un-temperate climate of the area, yes, but then, this is Sunnydale and as we have come to learn, weird shit happens here quite often.
The camera pans down through a back window and settles rather unexpectedly upon a scene of unabashed debauchery. The hero of our tale, one Xander Harris, is no stranger to the book cage of the high school's impressive library. Although in the interests of fairness, it must be stressed he has rarely, if ever, found himself in the situation he faces now.
That position being on his hands and knees, naked and not a little sweaty, being enthusiastically rogered by his taciturn (and similarly disrobed) friend and classmate, Oz.
Surrounding them is a circle of Magickal charms (herbs, incense, unidentified animal guts, that sort of thing). It is clear the athletic display of teen male carnality before us is part of some kind of magickal ceremony.
While young Mr. Harris certainly doesn't appear averse to his novel predicament (and an unbiased observer could fairly conclude that he was equally as keen a participant in the fucking as his occasionally wolf-esque chum), our dashing lead finds himself pondering a nagging query...
Xander: (Grunt) Okay... One more time. Why am I here?
Giles : Because this is the best plan we could find to cure Oz's werewolf predicament.
Xander: Uh-huh. So why... ugh... are you here?
Oz : Because the plan involves powerful sex magicks and Giles... pant... needs to keep things in check.
Xander: 'Kay. So why is Miss Calendar here?
Jenny : Because someone had to read the incantations in their native tongue. You speak Moldavian, wise-guy?
Xander: No ma'am, sorry. So why is Willow here?
Willow: Oh, you know... Research Girl. Magickal side-kick. That sort of thing. Oh, and I'm making sure you don't steal my boyfriend, Alexander Harris!
Oz : Way to Multi-task, hon.
(Willow momentarily beams with pride).
Xander: Right. So why is Cordy here?
Cordelia - Ha! Two sweaty guys getting it on. You think I'm gonna miss that? Besides I'm a cheerleader, arent I? Woo! Go Oz! Fuck him good, lil' doggie!
(Cordelia, commendably carpe-ing the diem, fishes into her stylish purse and pulls out some money. She reaches over and sticks a $5 bill (with a quick grope, naturally) to the sweat of Oz's pert, thrusting butt).
Cordelia - Hey, can anyone split a ten for some singles?
(Not taking their eyes off the rutting teens for a second, Jenny and Wilow both swiftly thrust handfuls of bills at Cordy).
Cordelia - Besides Buffy was too much of a pussy to buy the condoms.
Willow: Magickal sex doesn't mean unsafe sex!
Xander: 'Kay. That's cool... I guess. So why is Buffy here?
Buffy : (Petulantly unimpressed with the whole situation) Because I had to bring the condoms.
Cordelia - ... And sit in judgement.
Buffy : Bite me, bitch. I am a tolerant and loving American, completely comfortable and confident in her own sexuality and accepting of all... uh, alternative lifestyle choices.
(Buffy's mood is darkened by the immediate gale of laughter from all that greets her statement).
Giles : Buffy, I love you dearly, but you really are the straightest creature on this planet. Also, dear, your convictions might be a tad more believable if you didn't have Angel's arm in an icy, terror-stricken, death-like grip that would surely deaden all circulation had he any to start with.
(Buffy doesn't notice as she's too busy trying to blot out the ickyness by re-kindling the (Deep Breath!) Buffy-Luvs-Angel-4- Eva!-not-at-all-borderline- abusive-relationship-in- any-way-Eternal-and-y'know- really- really-spiritual-love (TM) by sinking into Angel's like, totally dreamboat eyes).
Xander: So why is Angel here?
Angel : The usual. A healthy dose of self-righteous angst and deep, meaningful man pain. And to keep an eye on Faith.
(Faith comes into view at the table behind the Slayer and her beau . In a SHOCKING twist that nobody saw coming, she is as equally naked as the boys and happily if rather red-facedly utilising (with fine technique and a suspicious degree of experience, it must be said) what can only be described as a prodigiously monstrous strap-on dildo to fuck a very appreciative and compliant Anya's lights out).
Xander: So why is Faith here? And what the hell are you doing to Anya?????
Faith : Because some people like the girly slash too!
Xander: What?
Faith : I said: "Because Red's plan called for two girls, two boys, three dicks, human or otherwise and lots of fucking" and I am (grunt) fuckin' a-okay with that.
Xander: So why is Anya here?
(Anya's reply is muffled beyond comprehension by dint of her mouth's extremely close proximity to Faith's breasts and the fact that the erstwhile demon appeared to be enjoying a somewhat violent orgasm, but it didn't sound particularly charitable. This is understandable as it was a spectacularly redundant question on Xander's part).
Giles : (Drily) I'd have thought that was rather obvious, dear boy.
Anya : Oh... fuck! Mmmmmmm. I said: "Because Dawn was being a brat and she wanted to come".
Xander: So why is Dawn here?
Buffy : DAWN???? What the hell are you doing here? Oh, I am so telling Mom you sneaked out to be a deviant!
Dawn : Eep!
Xander: So why is Mrs. Summers here?
Buffy & Dawn - (Together) MOM!!!!!!!!!
Joyce : Oh, grow up girls! Anyway, I'm with Cordelia. Fag Hag and proud.
(Joyce and Cordy share a conspiratorial smile).
Joyce : Besides I found Bambi here cowering outside.
Xander: So why is... ? Uh, I'm sorry ma'am... I don't know who you are.
(A timid Texan peeks out over Joyce's shoulder where she's taken cover).
Fred : Fred. I'm with Gunn.
Xander: So why is... You're Gunn, right?
Gunn : (A little too butch-ly) Charles Gunn, yo. No offence, kid, but I am NOT down with this, okay? I'm here under protest. Soul-boy and English here say they just need a ride, maybe some help with a werewolf. No mention of bare-ass high school whiteboys playing mommy and daddy. So NOT into the gay shit, man. with the dicks and the sweat and the muscles and the thrusting cocks and the.... ohhhh. Shit!
(He thrusts a very timid Fred forward).
Fred : Eeep!
Gunn : Girlfriend, y'dig?. Fuck..! Ask English!
Xander: So why is Wesley here?
Wesley: Well, if my ludicrously over-compensating colleague will stop panting on my collar for a moment, I'll tell you. I suppose I could say I was intrigued by the whole sex magick concept, but I'd be lying. Nothing more than a good old-fashioned case of nostalgia, I'm afraid. British public school education and all that.
(Wesley winks at Giles but the older Watcher is momentarily lost in his own dreamy reminiscences).
Wesley : Oh and it's all Harmony's been banging on about for a week since we heard the plan.
Xander : So why is Harmony here?
Harmony: Because I knew my Blondie-Bear boo-boo would be here.
Xander : So why is Spike here?
Everyone - (Tetchily) Demographics.
Spike : Ha! Fuck you all! Jealous wankers, the lot of you! Don't be hating on the cheek bones. Anyway, I'm pissed and it was Clem's idea.
Xander : So why is Clem here?
Clem : Because this fella in a bar told me about it. Where is he? Jesse?
Xander : So why is Jesse here? Wait a minute... JESSE???? But you're dead!
Dawn : Eeeek! It's the First! Kill it! Kill it!
(Buffy does her patented chop-socky shtick and the First departs post haste, promising all manner of hideous revenge as it flees, naturally).
Buffy : Okay... own up. Who brought The First? Jenny Calendar, I'm looking at you!
Dawn : Um, I think he came in with that skanky Principal guy? Looks like a rat with syphillis?
Xander : Fuck. So why is Snyder here?
Snyder : You're on city property, young man! Not to mention MY school! You think I'd leave you and your reprobate friends to run wild with the gay sex in my library unsupervised????? Not in this lifetime, bucko! This whole sordid affair has set back my abstinence-only sex ed programme years! You mark my words, boy, The Mayor will be hearing all about this!
Xander : So why is the Mayor here?
Wilkens: (Cheerily) Oh, hush up Snyder, you horrid gnome. We should be supporting the young 'uns interest in the dark arts. Good to see such drive. As for being here, it seemed like the perfect place to Canvass for Sunnydale's gay vote. Which apparently is this gentleman right here.
Xander : So why is Larry here?
Larry : You're doing that wrong, Harris! Use the balls of your feet for traction. Oh, yeah, sorry... Solidarity, man!
Xander : Yeah... ugh... thanks, Larry. Okay, so is that everyone.
Giles : I think so. I'll just do a quick head count. Jenny, Willow, Cordelia, Buffy, Angel, Faith, Anya, Dawn, Joyce, Fred, Gunn, Wesley, Harmony, Spike, Clem, Snyder, The Mayor and Larry. Yes, that's your lot. Not being put off at all, are we?
Xander : No, it's cool. The more the merrier.
Giles : Indeed. "Tis the season" and what have you. And I must say I'm very impressed with you both by the way, boys. A commendable show of stamina. I'm very proud.
(A smattering of applause from the audience in and around the crowded book cage supported Giles' sentiment).
Oz : Hey thanks folks and thanks for coming out. Your support means a lot.
Xander : Uh... Miss Calendar, not that I have any problem with Oz's hot man love, like, at all, but do you know how long this spell is supposed to take?
Jenny : (Looking embarrassed) Yeeeahhh... well, see, that's the thing. Apparently Willow and I need to brush up on our Moldavian. Where we thought it said 9 minutes... (blush) turns out it's 90 minutes.
Willow : (Blushing) My bad. Sorry.
Giles : Is that going to be a problem, Oz? Fucking that long?
Oz : Hey, I'm good. You good, Xand?
(Oz's question was book-ended with a smart spank of his lover's right ass cheek. Any answer from the now extremely sweaty and dishevilled young man was precluded however by the rather intense orgasm shuddering through his body. Xander did however manage a valiant if shaky thumbs up).
Oz : Yeah, I think we're good, Giles.
Giles : Stout fellows! Aaah, to be a teen again.
(The watcher takes a pace toward the recovered Xander and releases his straining and impressive cock).
Giles : Well, seeing as we're in here for a while... open your mouth, Xander, there's a good lad.
Cordelia - Sweeeeet! Hey, Joyce you wanna put some coffee on?
And so our uplifting and heart-warming tale of the mystical properties of the hot gay sex comes to it's gratifying conclusion. If there is to be a moral to this little holiday fable, let it be this: There is no problem in life, no matter how apparently insurmountable (no, not even being a werewolf!) that cannot be overcome with a liberal application of the hot, sweaty man-love before a room full of friends and associates.
And that's an important message that we should all ponder, hmmm?
Ho, Ho and if you will, ho. A very Merry Christmas to one and all.