Left Behind People
"So."
Standing in front of the crowded auditorium I wonder why I made the decision to get up and speak this time. Maybe it was because I was tired of death, Or maybe I had finally hit my limit, maybe I just couldn't take it anymore. But now that I was up here, there wasn't anything to say.
"Xander..."
How to describe him... he tasted of chocolate. Had a tendency to laugh nervoustly when you kissed the smooth, warm skin between his shoulderblades. Wore twine tied around his wrist to remind him of things. Had begun going commando because he knew how much it turned me on to be able to slide my hand across his hip under his jeans and feel the goosebumps trailing after my fingers.
"I wish things had gone differently."
He left finger shaped bruises on my arms the first time we had sex, and kissed them to make the hurt go away for a week afterwards. He made me laugh with his He-Man impressions, and he made me lose myself in his kiss. He said he thought he loved me. And when he told me he was going to the Bronze to see Willow... I knew it was to see Jesse. And I didn't go after him because I could taste Jesse on his lips, and I told myself that I didn't care.
"I wish we, all of us, didn't have to talk about the dead. I sometimes wonder if we dont't get up here and do this every month so we can feel better about ourselves. Cause, well with the living and all."
I can still see him ducking his head and grinning, all Aw shucks and golly gee willickers. And I know that the next time I see him, that grin is going to be like the feel of something cold and wet against your hand in the dark, the radiant contentment of a spider stalking it's web, the smile of death itself.
"But the thing is, I remember laying under the bed when I was a little kid with the covers hanging over the edge and the gauze hanging down from when I got bored and started pulling on it. It was like the Batcave, but with carpet. And I'd watch my parents walking back and forth, they'd call out my name and say things like "I wonder where he could have gone?" to each other and I would smile and laugh, because they knew where I was, and they knew I knew they knew. But they couldn't see me, and there was magic in that simple act. And now Xander knows that I know. That he knows. So maybe thats why I'm here tonight. Because sometimes the knowing isn't enough. You have to Do as well. Memories aren't going to save us. They can kill just as easily in this town. And maybe the cowboy in the white hat is only a hero because he got tired of being left behind."
Staring out at the sea of faces before me, I see that some have already tuned out. Some are too scared, and some are lost in their own personal hell.
"Its nothing personal, but I'm not going to grieve for Xander. I guess I just wanted to say Goodbye. That is supposed to be what this is about. But I do have one last thing to say, and here it is. Maybe it's time we stopped being the ones left behind."
There are a few people whose eyes meet mine and they don't look away, and maybe that is what I came to say after all.