My Goodbye
You hear about those things on the news, those miracles that happen to people on the other side of the world or in a city just a few miles from where you are. It happens, people get better and get out of their comas, sometimes after months, even years, lost in their own minds. I never thought much about it, and I certainly never thought it'd happen to me. I never thought I'd be in a coma one day. Oh I thought about death often - after all it's the destiny of a slayer, dying young. But laying unmoving on a bed for months, that was a very unpleasant surprise. I can't say I'm not happy I'm finally out of it and going on with my life, well at least trying to.
But at the same time, things have been hell ever since I woke up, so much so that sometimes I can't stop myself thinking that staying in the coma would have been a good thing. Being unaware of the mess my life is in, it sounds like heaven to me. Things are so lonely now, even more than before, and so very messed up. The sad thing is, it's all my fault. I'd love to be able to blame all this on someone else, but I can't. I can't delude myself any longer. I chose to switch sides, I went from second slayer to a cold-blooded murderer working for a century old would be demon. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And yes, I'm aware it's a ridiculous excuse, but after the accident that killed the assistant mayor I couldn't think straight, everything seemed like a blur, and I chose to not let it bother me. I was so mad and hurt, and also so very lonely. I guess things haven't changed much, haven't they?
Well actually some things have changed, I used to be mad at the world for all the crap that happened in my life and now I'm only mad at myself. I could blame all this on every person I ever met before or on the shitty hand that life dealt me, but I just can't, I'm not that naïve anymore. It's strange to think of myself as naïve, but I realised it's what I was. I used to see the world in a very strange and deformed way, now I see it more clearly. And I can't continue blaming everyone but myself for my life. I made my choices, now I have to live with them.
The hardest part is thinking about what I've lost, especially thinking of the woman I love, Buffy. I'd like to think she was a friend, I know she'd never returned the feelings I have for her, but her friendship was enough, and I lost it. I know she'll never hate me, she doesn't have it in her, but she'll be mad as hell and she'll never forget, and probably never forgive either, for all that I did. Not that she should forgive me, nor that any of the other should. I don't deserve anybody's forgivness. Not Xander's or Willow's and certainly not Giles' or Angel's and definitly not hers.
I lost any chance I could have had with her, not that it was a big chance, but now it's gone. And even if I could be with her, I wouldn't, not now, not after everything. It's the thing I want most, but I can't have it. All I can see is the blood on my hands, blood from what I did and I can't touch her now, that'd be tainting her and I could never do that. There's many evil things I can do, but I'd never do that. She deserves so much more than that. Better than me.
She's the golden girl, the one bathed in sunshine, all perfect and pure. I'm the dark vixen with the leather pants and the ruby red lips. It's kind of ironic in a way that she's the one who had a relationship with a vampire. People would think it was more my kind of thing, but she managed to be with the only vampire with a soul in the world. It just says a lot about her and who she is. She's just so innocent and cheerful, even her clothes are cheerful for heaven's sake. I mean who in their right mind wears pink leather pants? But it looks good on her, not to mention incredibly hot, because it's her.
I've been watching her from afar for a little while now. It's been a few weeks since I've been out of the coma. I know the whole scooby group is looking for me and waiting for me to make a move and come after them, but I won't, I can't. I'm leaving tomorrow and I won't be back in Sunnyhell, it's too hard for me here. She seems so happy now, even with Angel gone. She's living the college life and she even has a new guy. And what is it with her and guys that are twice her size? That clean cut guy looks like an oversized ape next to her.
So what? I'm jealous a bit, how could I not? All I got with her was one kiss. But what a kiss, it was the most perfect kiss I've ever had. I'm getting all mushy and crap, but it's true. The kiss itself wasn't that special, it was actually a dare and she didn't put that much effort into it, but it was perfect because it was her. I'll forever have the memory of her lips pressed against mine for a fleeting delicious moment. Of a few strands of her hair caressing my face, her flowery scent all over me. A perfect moment in my miserable life.
I'm looking at her now, a few last looks to try to fill my mind with all of her. She really has an incredible smile, it's one of the first things I've noticed of her, and it used to be directed at me sometimes before. And I want to remember it, I want to remember it all, all those little things that make her the woman she is. I'm leaving tomorrow without a word to any of them. Maybe some day they'll hear about me, maybe an article in the paper about me being in jail after turning myself in. There's really nothing else I can do, it's for me to pay for my crimes, I accept it, it'll be a lot less than I deserve.
Whatever happens to me doesn't matter, I only have one wish: her happiness. It's all I ask for, it's all I want, even if I'm not there to see it. I just hope whoever looks on after people like me have it in their heart to make it happen.