Detour
"Of all the caves," Xander said, rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head. It figured, after years of training, years of saving the world (he'd lost count), and now, months of... okay, consoling himself over his ex-ex-fiancee by looking out for newly-minted Slayers, he'd get back into his original line of work. Demon magnet.
"Outside all the villages, in all the countries whose names I can almost pronounce without offending anyone," he continued, "had to be this one. Okay, bring it on. What do you got?" He threw down his stake, convinced the very tall menacing thing was much bigger, and therefore much less worried about death-by-stake-age, than a vampire. Everything has eyes, he joked to himself. This one, they even glow. He thought he should mention it.
"Why do you seek me, mortal?" said the more-menacing-than-a-vampire man (?) on the other end of the cave.
"I don't so much seek you," Xander started, "as I get chained by my ankle to this... stalagmite and drawn into a challenge. That's your first problem." Stalagmite, he was sure.
"Lies. You seek what only I can grant. Like the vampire."
"Mostly, I seek the way out of here," he said.
"What are you willing to give in return?" The fiend might have been raising an eyebrow, if he had them. Xander couldn't tell. He wasn't sure about this whole 'give in return' business, either. He had one less eye to offer than most people who stumbled into this place, maybe he could convince the demon to just throw him back.
"I do a mean Snoopy Dance," Xander offered. "And also, I have a proven track record on saving the girl-- uh, world-- and I'm fond of killing demons though I'm guessing that's not your thing... and here's the part where you tell me there's going to be some kind of test."
"A test? Granted. You have disturbed me, but you may choose what obstacle you face, to leave," he said, and gestured with... were those wings? This guy got scarier by the minute. See? This is why guys don't stop to ask for directions, Xander thought to himself. You go off the trail, stop in one village, guy follows you all the way to a cave, and you end up choosing which friend of the winged devil is going to send you wherever Sunnydale went.
A plume of smoke fanned out from behind the demon. It left Xander coughing and looking ridiculous for a few minutes. When he could see again, two things became apparent. One,
"Hey! I'm naked! No stake and I'm naked? And... still chained to the rock. Great, this is just a dream and I can go now. Anytime..." he almost believed it for a moment, then saw the light in front of him and felt the heat to go with it.
"Choose."
There was a man whose fists were on fire on the left... also naked, and come to think of it, not so bad other than the hands-on-fire part. It's got to be a long time before demons with hands-on-fire start looking good, Xander noticed. And to the right was--
"Spike?! You've got this all wrong, he's a--"
"Oh bollocks this is, you're the one's got it all wrong--" Spike started, then looked down to note that he too was naked. If this was part of the dream, it was definitely not going the way Xander planned. There was no naked Spike in his dreams. Except that one time. Okay, and that other time.
"I hate this dream," Xander said out loud. Spike looked at him a little harder on that one, then realized something.
"What-- say, are you naked? Oh this is definitely not part of the plan," Spike said. Appealing to the demon who smoked you all the way from wherever to get chosen, or not chosen, to let Xander out of the cave, was the brightest idea naked Spike ever had in any of Xander's dreams. "First that soul business, then the pirate captain over there, I know I didn't make any kind of devil's bargain for this," he went on.
"Choose," the demon said again, his voice reverberating through the cave and shaking some dust loose this time. The hands-on-fire guy still looked pretty much ready to go, especially considering the whole not-Spike factor, but then again fighting a bona fide demon guy, while naked, wasn't at all looking good to Xander.
"Have to say I pick Spike. Best out of three?" Xander joked. He was relieved. He'd either kill Spike-- finally, he'd never see that coming-- or he'd let him win, or they'd use the advantage of the vampires with souls' tendency to beat the big bad to get out of there together. At which point then Xander could kill Spike. Or at least run back to his Jeep and leave him by the side of the road.
"Not so fast, choose what? If you're here to find a way to kill Buffy, I got news for you, boy, this one's not an honest salesman," Spike said. He shook his head. "Right, then, what's the deal? Gotta get a renewal on the old soul, then? Knock off some poor unfortunate stumbles into this cave once a year? Easy enough, could at least unchain him and make it fun."
"Spike, we're going to fight," Xander whispered.
"Yeah, and I'm going to kill you and get on about my business. Lot of evil still in LA."
"The choice is made," the demon said, and the hands-on-fire guy looked a little disappointed. He winked-- he actually winked, what demon with hands-on-fire finds it necessary to be subtle-- at Xander and kind of sulked off. Then it was just Xander and Spike. Spike and Xander. By no means sitting in a tree, Xander reminded himself. Have to make that clear when he tells Willow about this. Something interrupted his revelrie, though, something else he hadn't expected.
"Looks like you're not sad to see him go," Spike smirked. He dropped his gaze down to Xander's crotch where, in another development that made this unlike other caves, he was getting an erection.
"Uh... this is magic! Evil, cock-raising magic," Xander shouted. "Everyone gets a little-- excited in the heat of battle. It's a living thing, you wouldn't understand," he said to Spike.
"Give me a chance," Spike said. "Nothing to be ashamed of, brought my own to the party." His hand fell to grasp his own, surprise--vampires have them-- growing cock and walked the few steps toward Xander.
"What's going on here? I trespass on the domain of unholy evil and you-- embarass me to death?"
"Don't think he wants us to fight, love," Spike said. "Just be happy you made the right choice."
A cartoon balloon that said, "Help." would have been appropriate for the face Xander made, and he was sure if he had two eyes, they'd be wider than they'd ever been. Spike put his free hand around the back of Xander's neck and kissed him, hard.
Vampire teeth. Moving down his neck. Much gentler than he expected. Was Spike going to bite him? Xander wasn't so sure now, whether it was magic or not. He was enjoying this too much. Maybe that was part of the magic?
"You know," he said against a gasp as Spike's hand and teeth moved across his shoulder, "I'm only enjoying this because there's magic involved."
"Mm hmm," Spike said, muffled against Xander's awkwardly crossed arms. "Then why," he said, crouching now in front of Xander, "am I having a right good time of it?"
Xander decided not to think on that one. And... that was Spike's mouth on his cock. Vampire teeth. Dangerously close to not being the best thing he'd ever felt. "Ah-- I'm... only enjoying this because you're a demon. It's this thing I have, for demons. Huh?"
Spike's tongue was busy doing things to Xander he didn't think vampires did. Not for Xander, anyway.
"You-- you better be right-- oh-- about getting me off, I mean, out of here," Xander said, shutting his eye and gripping the back of Spike's neck. That seemed to get him more interested, so he started running his fingers through Spike's hair. Because it was Spike. Sucking his cock. In a cave. In Cote d'Ivoire. To fulfill a pact with a demon...
"Sounds like you don't want to leave," Spike said between hasty breaths.
"Who said you could stop?" Xander's eye snapped open to look down at his new favorite champion. Spike went back to it. More enthusiastically this time. Either he'd done it before in his two-hundred odd years, or this wasn't as difficult as Xander thought it would be. Damn, he could have patched things up with Oz way quicker if he'd known that.
"Ow!" Spike said at the sharp pain of Xander squeezing his shoulder.
"No, no, I meant that was good," Xander clarified. Always give compliments. He made a mental note.
There were no more outcries from Spike, only a little more dust cracked loose when Xander shouted, shook the cave, with a shout as he came. He collapsed into Spike's arms-- into Spike's arms? and let himself stay there for a minute as he was sure Spike was laughing with him, not at him. Or laughing at something else entirely Spike-based.
"Chain's gone," Spike said. Xander glanced up at him. He hadn't seen Spike smile exactly like that before, probably because Spike had never smiled at him.
"This... come with the soul?" Xander asked. It wasn't the first thing he wanted to know. He was still interested in leaving the cave, leaving the village, possibly going back to the states where at least the demons could send in the mystery guests locally. But for the moment, he was looking forward to telling the hilarious story of how he got there to the one who had the courtesy to get him out.