Secret Slasha — The Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel Slash Fanfiction Secret Santa Project
Secret Slasha — The Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel Slash Fanfiction Secret Santa Project

By Pesha
For A Secret Slasha Dropout

Xander climbed the stairs to the apartment that Riley was inhabiting now that he was no longer part of The Initiative. Technically, now no one was part of The Initiative since Buffy had taken them down. Hard. Like Riley's insanely impressive super-soldier muscles that could crush the breath out of somebody not-so-enhanced. Like a girl. Not like him. Xander was not thinking about being crushed against Secret Agent Man Riley Finn's manly chest.

Ignoring the sound of his inner voice calling him a liar and a Larry, Xander knocked hard on Riley's apartment door. He was absolutely not caught off-guard when it swung open and he did not squeak like a girl over it and fall down.

"Whoa there, buddy. The latch doesn't work. I've been meaning to fix it."

Okay, maybe he fell down. No shame in that. Riley's hand was huge and hard around his as he nearly pulled his arm out of socket helping him off the floor. Xander laughed nervously as he crashed into the solid wall of Riley's chest.

"I noticed," Xander cleared his throat and moved back when Riley let go of his arm.

They were still standing too close for guys, normal, non-Larry guys at least, but Xander didn't want to move away. He didn't want to be the first to move away. He figured he'd been the first to fall in the floor so that meant he shouldn't be the first to pull back too.

"Well this is awkward," Riley said after what might have been a long time actually.

Xander watched him rub his neck and wondered if his muscles were tense or if he did that when he was nervous. Did super-soldiers get nervous?

"Xander?" Riley prompted.

"Oh! Right. Awkward. Umm," Xander got lost watching Riley's big hand until it fell to his side, "Buffy!"

Riley looked around quickly, reflexes up to every standard Xander had ever imagined was set for super-soldiers. He was obviously looking to see if Buffy was lurking in some corner, ready to spring out and catch him standing Larry-close to her best buddy.

"She's not here. Buffy, I mean. I came because Buffy --who isn't here-- asked me to. I'm making sure you're alright. Which you are! Of course you are! Big, strong, super-soldier like you! I have no idea why she asked me to come here to---"

"Babble?" Riley cut in.

His smile was as honest as his face. Riley was the most upstanding guy Xander had ever met. For a secret agent, Riley was incredibly bad at lying. That was why Xander knew what he knew about him.

"Yeah. Sorry. About the babbling."

Xander looked away before Riley could see that he knew what he knew about him. It was too late though. For a guy who couldn't lie, Riley could tell when someone else was pretty damned well.

"It's not what you think. I'm not interested in being one. I just---it's hard to explain."

"I wasn't going to say anything to her. You don't have to explain at all!" Xander slid down onto the sagging couch and stared resolutely at the floor. If he didn't look at him, maybe Riley would somehow change and be easier to deal with.

"Yeah. I think I do," Riley sighed and sat beside him. His weight caused the couch to shift enough that Xander found himself pressed side to side with Captain America, Boy Wonder, and Mr. Super Secret Super-Soldier all at once. Xander couldn't help but notice Riley was as hard as he'd thought. Fucking him would leave bruises on soft, innocent girl-flesh, right?

"---vampire slayer? That's a tough act to follow! What was I supposed to do? I just wanted. I wanted to feel---" Riley stopped talking at the same time he realized Xander had only started listening.

"Sorry. I was...I'm easily distracted."

The lame finish was all he needed to set his face afire with humiliation. Riley's big hand moved onto Xander's thigh and he stopped breathing. Somehow his face kept getting hotter though. Stupid biology. Never worked the way it was supposed to.

"Xander? You look at me like---" Riley chuckled softly, deep in his chest, and Xander was blown away all over again by how big he was and much he really really wished this guy wasn't the guy Buffy had fallen for.

He moved to grab Riley's hand and move it away to safe, non-Larry territory, but found his hand being caught in a death-grip with Riley's instead. Turns out Riley still had all that uber-soldier speed going for him too. Great. Like Xander needed one more thing to prove how inadequate he was in comparison.

"Riley! I already know, okay? I'm trying to not do it, but it's hard. I get who I am, you know? I'm the funny guy. The goofy sidekick guy. The dumb, loser guy who gets to go to his old crush's boyfriend's place to make sure he's okay no matter what kind of schmuck that makes him. I'm that guy, Riley. I don't need you to add on to how much I know about being that guy."

Riley squeezed his hand until his knuckles creaked and Xander was forced to look over at him. All that sincerity couldn't be good for a guy's health. Riley had no right to look so nice when he was making Xander feel like he was back in high school all over again.

"I was going to say, you look at me like I used to look at Forrest. Back when he was my comrade-in-arms and the best soldier I had ever known. Talk about crushes," Riley whistled meaningfully, "I had one. He was something, let me tell you."

"He? Forrest?"

Xander's hand was sweating as he jerked it in Riley's grip. He was going to have a panic attack. This was not okay! Totally not okay! He was supposed to be making sure that Riley was still human and not a vampire's favorite sucktoy, not holding hands with the guy and having very Larry-making moments with him!

"Xander! Calm down!"

The commanding tone sent a shiver down his spine and a jolt of feeling to his dick. Xander swallowed the lump of fear clogging his throat. This was insane. He was insane. Riley was definitely insane.

"Is that an order?" Xander tried to joke.

"Yeah. You're making me nervous. I'm rarely nervous. I don't do nervous well, you know? I just wanted to let you know that I noticed."

Xander tried to study Riley's too honest face surreptitiously, but gave up when he realized that Riley was studying him so close, there was no way he was being sneaky about anything. Whatever. He wanted to look. Riley was holding his hand and talking about some guy. He could totally stare.

While they looked at each other, Xander forgot about all the things that Riley would see in his face and saw all the things he guessed other people missed in Riley's. His eyes were calm and so blue that Xander wasn't even sure they could be called blue. His skin was too pale and there were lines around his mouth from frowning...or maybe from pain. Riley might be into pain now, what with the vampire thing and all. Xander saw so much more but he couldn't -wouldn't- think about it all when there was...everything else to consider.


Riley hesitated long enough for Xander to know he wanted to tell him but he was just afraid. Xander was used to that. He spent most of his life being afraid of what other people would say if they knew what he was really thinking. Nobody likes a big judging judger.

"Being with Buffy? It's not as great as you might think. Most of the time, yeah. It's amazing. And I love her. I really really love her, man. But. It's hard. She makes me feel so----"

Riley's voice trailed off and his eyes looked into Xander's trying to find the answer there. For once, Xander actually had the answer.


"Yeah. Ordinary."


They laughed and Xander leaned in close enough to smell the clean soap-smell of Riley's skin. He thought about leaning away but he couldn't remember why he should when all he could think about was how stupid it was that he saw everything and none of it even mattered. Riley didn't make him feel so ordinary.

"Ordinary can be okay," Riley whispered close enough to Xander's face that he could feel the words moving over his skin.

"Very okay," Xander agreed.

Riley moved to where mere millimeters separated his lips from Xander's in a very Larry way.

"Want to be ordinary with me? Just once. To help me remember why I don't need to feel the bite of death and maybe to help you remember it's okay to be...just you. Ordinary."

Xander kissed him. Pressed his mouth against Riley's mouth and kissed and forgot about everything except how much he'd wanted to feel this. Riley had never made him feel ordinary. Buffy was so damned lucky. Xander would hate her afterwards, but, for this one time, he got to have something she could never have with Riley: one normal night.